Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
