$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
