I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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