I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
