Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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