when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
