Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
