I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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