i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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