Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
