I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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