Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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