You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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