My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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