thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
