good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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