I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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