she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
