I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I am morally bankrupt
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
40s are totally the cure
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
