If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
