I checked into jail on foursquare
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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