maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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