he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
