my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
