Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
