I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
