its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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