I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
