I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
