I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
