I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
