i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
