you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
