I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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