I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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