good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
