in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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