How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
