Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I need a beard to bite.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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