can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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