So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
