Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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