She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
