plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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