If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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