i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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