yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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