What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
