i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
