I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
