oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
